I'm Sober, Anxious And 61. Could I Survive L.a.'s Rough Dating Scene?

“I fto spell of antagonistic self-talk.

“I radiate confidence.

“I attraction connected positivity.”

I was staring astatine my 61-year-old reflection arsenic I repeated these mantras suggested by my caller therapist SuzAnn, embarrassed astatine nan idiocy though I lived unsocial successful a mini West L.A. guesthouse.

My hubby of complete 30 years and I had precocious separated — nan past 5 years, I was sober.

My therapist was nan only 1 from my HMO supplier database who had openings. Together we addressed my operation of crippling anxiety, debilitating fearfulness and crushingly debased self-image. These characteristics were coming passim my younker and resurfacing. During our past session, I told her astir a matter from Jim, a man who attended nan aforesaid play betterment Zoom gathering arsenic me.

“Would you for illustration to subordinate maine for coffee?” he asked successful a backstage chat. His 8 elemental words caused maine to circle nan therapeutic drain.

Since I became sober, my interpersonal skills seemed to person dried retired on pinch my liver. I recounted nan incident to my therapist, panicking astatine nan imaginable of a “date.”

My precocious azygous aforesaid couldn’t fig retired which was worse: nan discomfort of making mini talk pinch a antheral quality minus nan assistance of Two Buck Chuck aliases nan panic of dying unsocial wearing beige suede Birkenstock aliases sipping chamomile beverage and surrounded by six cats.

SuzAnn observed my unhinged tirade. “You must rewire your brain. I … impulse … you,” she enunciated. “Get retired of your comfortableness zone, look successful nan reflector and opportunity 10 affirmative affirmations for nan adjacent 30 days. Then inquire nan beingness to supply each nan gifts you want for yourself to beryllium fixed to others.”

Her eyes penetrated excavation arsenic I waited for a large Tibetan gong to sound.

Walking to my car, I thought, “Maybe I needed to get retired of my ‘comfort zone.’ ”

So I texted Jim, “Coffee sounds good,” pushed nonstop and instantly wanted to vomit.

Before nan date, I was astir to singing my 4th affirmation erstwhile my telephone pinged. I had precocious told Mona, my older sister, astir nan caffeine liaison, and I instantly had regretted it arsenic I glanced astatine her text.

“It’s nan large day. ‘Who’ are you wearing?”

Not wanting to engage, I sent a image of nan apparel laid retired connected my bed: a achromatic turtleneck, achromatic jeans, a grey flannel blazer and my lace-up Knock (a.k.a. fake) Martens.

Less than six seconds passed, and an all-caps alert came through, signaling urgency. “WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS INSIST ON GOING OUTDOORS LOOKING LIKE K.D. LANG? You person specified a tiny figure.”

Mona had an absorbing measurement of complimenting me, for illustration nan clip she told maine I was nan highest functioning alcoholic she ever knew.

Knowing that I was astir to swan dive into a excavation that I didn’t moreover want to dip my toed in, I replied, “It’s cloudy outside, and my therapist said that I should clasp my existent self.”

“Well, fine, but clasp it pinch a small cleavage.”

We were different, but I envied Mona. Growing up she was nan gorgeous outgoing risk-taker pinch ringlet hair. I was a painfully awkward introvert pinch a unibrow who yearned to beryllium an aged shut-in by property 9. Where Mona believed immoderate outfit could use from a scatter of animal people and kitten heels, I recovered manner inspiration from down nan wheels of oversize reddish shopping carts.

Jim chose Cafe Gratitude connected Rose Avenue successful Venice. I sewage location early, and nan spot was packed pinch customers who had a sun-kissed glow that only comes pinch an abundance of spare clip and disposable income. Men pinch bandannas and buns paired pinch women clad successful booty shorts and harvest tops and who‘d evidently received Mona’s “mammary memo.”

I put connected my glasses to publication nan meal selections, which were printed successful a microscopic font. I Am Trusting was apparently roasted veggie hash, I Am Hearty was a tofu scramble and I Am Valued was a chorizo meal burrito. I couldn’t thief but wonderment if my therapist was portion of nan restaurant’s trading team.

Anxious sweat started to excavation nether my k.d. lang blazer. I tried channeling my soul Mona: superb pinch nan assurance that only comes pinch a leopard-print neckerchief. I spied Jim entering. I had only ever seen him connected Zoom, and though he was tall, which was nice, I tried not to judge his brownish cracked-leather buckled pilgrim shoes paired pinch high-waist Wrangler jeans.

“Nice to meet you, Jim,” I said arsenic I reached retired my hand. Jim went successful for a hug, 1 that was excessively close, excessively tight and respective seconds excessively long. “Exhale,” he whispered successful my ear.

I froze and wondered if he sensed my fight-or-flight response.

“What would you like?” he asked.

I wanted thing mini for illustration a bran muffin and quickly scanned nan paper for “I Am Regular” to nary avail. “I’ll person nan I Am Precious smoothie,” I said, instantly emotion for illustration a fraud.

We sat astatine a array outside, wherever Jim launched into his background. He had been sober for 33 years, and though impressive, he took this arsenic a cue to show maine everything. He fundamentally started pinch his emergence from nan commencement canal. For nan adjacent 49 minutes, I learned astir his unhealthy relationships pinch his siblings, his request for support from his father, his spiral into addiction, his 2 past marriages, which he explained were not grounded but “opportunities for growth,” his belief travel and really he learned to emotion himself.

With his speech coming to a close, I perked up erstwhile he yet said, “I person a mobility for you. Would you beryllium willing successful taking ballroom dancing classes pinch me?”

Where had this man gotten nan belief that I enjoyed dancing, my tense ft swinging nether nan table? My tummy was successful knots arsenic I pictured myself clad successful a citrus chiffon dress looking for illustration a dollop of meringue, doing nan Viennese waltz — thing resembling a Centrum Silver commercial.

“That’s not thing I person ever considered,” I replied, proud of myself that I was not agreeing and past having to clone a terminal illness.

I had precocious heard that “no” was a complete sentence, and I craved nan self-esteem that came pinch that elemental word. “No” to nan Hollywood Bowl, wherever a concerto lasts longer than astir L.A. marriages, “no” to hiking successful Fryman Canyon and surely “no” to ballroom dancing.

Jim was not a bad person, conscionable not my person, and dissimilar me, he had nan clarity of who he was, what he wanted and really liked himself — qualities I had yet to attain.

My smoothie churned successful my stomach, and I told Jim that I needed to go. He stood, smiled and said, “My takeaway is that I would bask gathering again.” I considered a snarky “takeaway” but stopped. It was clip to shed my armor of judgement and negativity.

“That’s benignant of you to say. Thank you for nan I Am Precious smoothie.”

He past put his hands together, bowed somewhat and murmured, “Go successful grace.”

It was not what I wanted for myself, but driving connected Ocean Park Boulevard, I asked nan beingness to springiness Jim a long-stemmed roseate and a partner to tango with, SuzAnn’s believe to thrive pinch able women wearing lavender oil, and for Mona to beryllium blessed pinch an unlimited proviso of zebra-print accessories.

I entered nan cocoon of my guesthouse, and my reflection blurred arsenic I looked successful nan mirror. I pushed my shoulders back, stood up a small straighter and alternatively said:

“I americium not acrophobic to beryllium alone.

“I americium worthy getting to know.

“My life is unfolding precisely arsenic it should.

“I looked outside.”

It was overcast outside, but I knew nan sun could break done astatine immoderate moment.

The writer is an essayist and autochthonal Angeleno. She tin beryllium reached astatine lorirwrites@gmail.com.

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